Thursday evening, I tracked down Luke Walls, the leading funny man at Providence Christian College, and asked him some very important questions about life. These were his answers. I had to censor an insane amount of what he said, but if you would like the unedited version I can post it on the Sea Beggar Blade site. There actually isn’t a site like that, but I think I’ll make one just for this article.
What do you do in your spare time?
I like to go on reddit.com and post horrible things. I like to stalk people on Facebook because I need to be validated by my peers because of the gaping hole in my self-esteem. And I like to play x-box and watch an unnatural amount of television.
What are your favorite shows?
Tosh.O, Conan, Family Guy, South Park, The Office, Big Bang Theory, and of course Arrested Development.
What do you think about the construction on campus?
I feel like they had better construct me a soda fountain in the cafeteria.
What is your favorite music?
It is a sordid mixture of woe and treachery.
I hear people like to give you a hard time about you not eating healthily. What are your feelings on the distress they cause you?
The way I see it, eating healthily counts as trying to prolong your life, and that just doesn’t make sense. I just don’t understand what’s so scary about heaven that you have to put it off so long.
What do you think of the freshmen?
They are a bit more detached than other classes. It’s like our class was the cast of Big Bang Theory – always with each other doing the same things. The freshman class is more like the cast of The Office, where they’re all together, but sometimes they are sort of doing their own thing and their stories don’t always intertwine.
What is your latest grudge?
That Johnathan Kruis and Sam Bice don’t tell me things.
Are there any final comments you’d like to make that you think everyone on campus should know?
“When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade without further introduction.” –Mark Twain